Truth is too often horribly, disgustingly expensive, and I pay for it with things that don't belong to me. Over the years, I have bought knowledge at priceless costs - the cost of your sanity, your understanding of Truth, your understanding of God, your understanding of love.
To those of you who've stood by me patiently as I learned - I'm sorry.
To those of you who left me because I was a fool - I'm sorry.
To those of you whom I left because I was proud, ignorant, or childish - I'm sorry.
To those of you for whom I didn't endure your sins because they reflected mine - I'm sorry.
To those of you with whom I was unfaithful - I'm sorry.
To those of you who loved me and I was cruel in return - I'm sorry.
To those of you who told me the truth, but to whom I lied - I'm sorry.
To those of you who waited for me, and I came too late or not at all - I'm sorry.
To those of you with whom I started beautiful things but didn't finish - I'm sorry.
To those of you with whom I started beautiful things but didn't finish - I'm sorry.
To those of you who trusted me, but I failed you - I'm sorry.
To those of you who've suffered so that I could learn - I'm sorry.
I am a fool. Will you ever recover due to my foolishness, or is your blood on my hands?
We are like a mass of animals, crawling atop one another, kicking and clawing and scrambling upward, to reach Truth and Goodness, cutting, crushing, bruising, maiming each other to understand this life, what it means, and why there is something rather than nothing. I didn't mean to hurt you - I didn't know. I didn't know that to grow meant to kill. I am so sorry.
The cost of my foolishness - and simply having to learn through experience - costs me my livelihood. It costs me the softness of my heart; the tenderness of my care; my ability to commit to others; my ability to love as deeply, fearlessly, and fiercely; my ability to empathize with the troubles of others, even when their troubles are like mine. I become less like the warm, excited me that I aspired to in my youth, and become more like the adults that I thought were cold and passionless. I struggle against a deep, haunting weariness. The cost of keeping my foolishness is my very soul - but this is the inescapable way of life.
And yet, by some miracle, the only cost of giving up that person who is cold and passionless is the very cold, passionless person that I dislike. The cost of following Christ is myself - which is, in reality, nothing. I have nothing to lose but all the things that I despise. I should very much like to "die to myself" - and yet, I don't do what I want. I do exactly the thing I hate.
This is why there is hope in the Lord. One Man suffered for us too. He rescues my livelihood as an accident, a mere byproduct, of the great, deeper victory - Death itself is defeated. That is the Good News.
What it means for me, in my tiny world, is that I can surrender the death in me in order to receive life. All I have to do is do it.
Jannica, you may be one of the awesomest people I know. Amen, and amen to all the truths and feelings shared. May we continue to encourage and exhort one another as we walk shoulder to shoulder in this life.
ReplyDeletePatient in tribulation.
Compassionate in adversity.
Kind in suffering.
Meek in selfishness.
Humble in fault.
And Encouraging in the darkest of situations.
Can we run away together now? You're amazing.
Thank you, Steph. Yes, let's please run away together, so we can grow up and away from all these horrible things that have filled us. Let's be emptied together - Lord knows I can't empty myself alone.
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