Growth is marked by pain.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy upon me, a sinner.

I wept because I felt the weight of my iniquity. The confirmation of my own failure humbled me in an area where I didn't even have pride, really - only a pre-existing shame at the knowledge of my ineptitude. I already knew that I had no courage, and when circumstances tested our friendship in a way that required my bravery and honesty, I failed utterly. Oh, that my mistakes would harm only me and not others!

But I have no option of leaving you, even if I wanted to, which I don't. Our fates our bound up together - not just between you and me, but between all of us brothers and sisters. We, the Faithful, are responsible for one another's growth. What love do I show by not telling you what I have learned? What friendship is this, that has no courage to debate honestly and humbly, patiently and lovingly, to reach Truth together? How do we do each other any favors by keeping our thoughts to ourselves? Is there not but one Truth? Is Christ divided? 

We must communicate! We are not enemies, but partners and allies against sin. There can be no fair taking of sides except against evil and inaccuracy. I beg of you - love me enough to tell me when I am wrong, and I will do my best to do the same for you. I am weak today - I have no desire to fight, and I fear and hate it - but am working to grow stronger through the grace of God. Come, let us reason together so we can sharpen one another.

Each step of weathering a friendship hurts in increasingly private ways, but I am thankful for each excruciating moment. Each step sanctifies us and molds us more and more like Christ, who is perfect. I want to be more holy; to embody God's grace, love, and mercy and watch it spill over my cupped hands unto you. I don't know how to be a good friend, but by the grace of God, we are learning this together. 

It is in this way that I am always not happy, and am often instead filled with sorrow at my own sin. But this sorrow is deeply rooted in a great joy, because there is hope. Death is defeated, and the Lamb has been slain, and our debt is paid. The pain of the Christian life comes from the process of giving up our sin, which is often neither easy nor enjoyable, but rooted in the joy of the truth. There is nothing left to fear, so all of my fears - every last one of them -sos ungrounded. It takes much arduous, painful work to internalize this.

Triparion to Jann Black, the girl that died.

I wonder what good understandings of life we throw out as our personal philosophies mature.

When I switched to the timeline version I went back to some of my first Facebook posts to see what I wrote. I remember what I went through in high school - all my close friends, my relationship dramas, the growing of my understanding of Christianity at that time, and so on - but I didn't remember the kind of person that I was at the time. I was surprised by the things that I wrote on Facebook, and by the kind of person that I projected. I am a wholly different creature now than I was then, and when I look at the writings of this little girl, I wonder now who she was. I wish that I could talk to her about what she was going through and encourage her, or at least just listen to her. That younger me was so clearly crying out for a friend, while perhaps not paying enough attention to the ones that she had. She was crying out for understanding, for truth - even though she put her faith in God.

I bet that if I could talk to her now, my junior Jann would have some insightful things to tell me. She might not understand everything about life correctly - I would of course have a lot to tell her too - but I think she would have a lot to remind me. "Love better, Jann," she might say to me. "Why have you stopped painting? Why have you stopped writing stories? What happened to your creativity and imagination? You're much older and wiser than me in a lot of ways, but... I don't see me in you. I don't see my spirit in you." And she would be right. I'm not that quirky, artsy girl anymore. I'm a big girl now, with a stylish haircut, with big thoughts and bigger dreams. I have a new flavor, new goals, new direction. I would have never seen this kind of change coming, and I'm not sure if all of it is good.

It's not that people should never grow up, and it's not that one should keep everything they understand from childhood, because some of those things are inaccurate. Perhaps it's the spirit of childhood that we ought to try to keep. I miss viewing the world with wonder rather than skepticism.