Triparion to Jann Black, the girl that died.

I wonder what good understandings of life we throw out as our personal philosophies mature.

When I switched to the timeline version I went back to some of my first Facebook posts to see what I wrote. I remember what I went through in high school - all my close friends, my relationship dramas, the growing of my understanding of Christianity at that time, and so on - but I didn't remember the kind of person that I was at the time. I was surprised by the things that I wrote on Facebook, and by the kind of person that I projected. I am a wholly different creature now than I was then, and when I look at the writings of this little girl, I wonder now who she was. I wish that I could talk to her about what she was going through and encourage her, or at least just listen to her. That younger me was so clearly crying out for a friend, while perhaps not paying enough attention to the ones that she had. She was crying out for understanding, for truth - even though she put her faith in God.

I bet that if I could talk to her now, my junior Jann would have some insightful things to tell me. She might not understand everything about life correctly - I would of course have a lot to tell her too - but I think she would have a lot to remind me. "Love better, Jann," she might say to me. "Why have you stopped painting? Why have you stopped writing stories? What happened to your creativity and imagination? You're much older and wiser than me in a lot of ways, but... I don't see me in you. I don't see my spirit in you." And she would be right. I'm not that quirky, artsy girl anymore. I'm a big girl now, with a stylish haircut, with big thoughts and bigger dreams. I have a new flavor, new goals, new direction. I would have never seen this kind of change coming, and I'm not sure if all of it is good.

It's not that people should never grow up, and it's not that one should keep everything they understand from childhood, because some of those things are inaccurate. Perhaps it's the spirit of childhood that we ought to try to keep. I miss viewing the world with wonder rather than skepticism.